What am I doing?

I am coming to the conclusion that I suck at my job. My success is based solely on the number of admissions I obtain on an average weekly basis. I should have 2-3 by this my 6th month. Unfortunately I average 1.4 and that is unacceptable. I also made a judgment call earlier in the week that got me a written warning from my boss. As a marketer for hospice, I generally am allowed to set my hours. Granted most days are typical 8-5, but some days it is 9-3 and other days it is 8am-9pm. On said day I had a personal dr's appointment that I assumed would last 1 hour. It lasted 2 and the boss called while I was in there. Next day, I receive a call asking me to be in the office at 4 to meet with the boss. When I get there "on time" like I am 99% of the time, I wait about 30 mins then the meeting starts. Long and short of it is I am not performing as expected, weekly meetings with the boss, and weekly rides to learn from another rep. What set me over the edge was my boss saying he had lost all trust in me.
Never have I done anything that I would think should lead to a lack of trust. My accounts are seen. I don't falsify documents or call logs. Seeing 8 accounts doesn't always take 8 hours. My accounts are close together, the majority of them are small offices that I can go right back and speak to the Dr. at.
At the end of the day. I think I am doing what I should be. I am asking the right questions to the right people, but not getting the same response as the other two marketers. WHY? Why do I suck at a job that I am passionate about. I love hospice. I feel fulfilled when patients are admitted and we can help them through this difficult time. I can't figure it out.

It's Friday! It's Friday! It's finally Friday! Oh thank God I made it through this week!

Just keep swimming. . .

I must apologize for my lack of posts recently. Stuff is happening, but nothing interesting enough to put in here. For those of you who know me personally, you know I occasionally have to battle my fibromyalgia. This is shaping up to be a very stressful week. Unfortunately stress directly corresponds to my fatigue level so I am very lethargic right now. Please keep me in your prayers through this trying time.
I just want to be normal sometimes and it makes me very angry that I am not. I sometimes beat myself up and think that I should be used to this by now, but why should I be used to it. I have been in pain for the last 7 years. Not only physical pain, but emotional as well. I mean really do I have to keep smiling all this time.
Then on the flip side I deal with hospice patients every day. I look at them and see that I could be much worse off. I guess we all have things that we deal with.
Sorry didn't mean for this to be a gripe session.

My manicure

Yesterday I got a manicure. I always manage to confuse the manicurist; I don't like to have polish on my nails. The conversation always goes something like this:

Manicurist: What you need?

Me: Basic manicure. No polish.

Manicurist: You pick color. Come here.

Me: No polish (walk over to chair).

Manicurist: What color?

Me: No polish. Just manicure.

Manicurist: Ok clear?

Me: No this is fine. No polish.

Manicurist: (very confused) ok 10 dollar.

When will it be over

"I see the beauty of God's world
when I look into your eyes...
I feel the love H gave me
when you smile at me...
I know the gift He blessed me with
when I hold you in my arms.
Happy Valentine's Day
With All My Love"

The relationship ended less than 1 month later. I still can't tell you why. I try to take some of the responsibility, but I don't know what for. Did I assume to much when he said he loved me? No. I only expected what I was also willing to give, everything I had or ever hoped to have.
Right now I want nothing more than to be by his side helping him get through all of his life's current trials. I want to be in his arms at night and hear him tell me he loves me. I want to spend Friday night having a quiet dinner at home and holding each other on the couch. I want to lay in bed at night and talk about our days. I want him to say I love you, I am about to say my prayers, see you in the morning.
My favorite day was Sunday because we would eat breakfast and get ready for church. We ate dinner with his parents on Sunday nights. He would go outside with his dad to the shop. His mom and I would clean the kitchen and talk about random things.
One day he was on the phone with the lady who owned the land we wanted to build on. His dad came inside and sat down at the table with me. He told me how happy he was that I was in his son's life. His dad was a quiet reserved man who kept his thoughts to himself. That day he welcomed me to the family.
He was so strong spiritually. I know that he prayed about us everyday. We would pray about things over dinner. Blessing the food turned into 10 minutes of prayer together. We would pray together before a big day, sometimes him for me other times me for him.
I know that he loved me, but I don't know what changed. The worst part is I have no idea when it changed. One day he was sitting on the dining room table smiling so big. He said he had figured out how he was going to propose to me. A few weeks later he told me he didn't feel anything when I left, if anything he felt relieved.
I don't know what was missing. I guess one day I will find out what it is that he said was missing. I hated being compared to his ex, but in the end I guess I was. He said there was just something missing that he had with her. I think about the love I have for him. I wasn't missing anything, but maybe that is because I have never experienced what he was missing.
His kiss was perfect. He held me tight when we hugged. Best of all he knew how much I loved when he kissed me on the forehead. I felt so safe in his arms.
I miss him in life's little things: sitting beside him in the truck, cleaning up the kitchen together after dinner, walking around the land and watching his face light up when he showed me how he envisioned the house.
One day God will bring me to a point where I know why this happened. I hope it is soon.

Dreams

When I was younger I wanted to be a fashion model. It was my dream to walk down a New York runway, cameras flashing all around me and headlines describing the new top model. I wanted to study fashion and design. I wanted to make clothes that women could live in. Fashionable, washable and most importantly I wanted to design clothes that made women feel beautiful. I lost that dream along with over $800 in the summer of 2002, but I did get some nice pictures.

Last night a friend asked me about my current dream. For those of you who don't know, here it is. I want to marry a caring, supportive, Christian man. After a few years of marriage, I want to start a family. I want to stay at home with my children, keep a nice clean house and volunteer in the community. Is it really such a crazy dream?

He wanted to know what I would do if my prince charming doesn't make enough money to support me staying at home with children. I don't think having enough money is really the question. Managing what you have and living within your income is the bottom line. He said think about all the stuff you won't have. My point is on all the memories that my children will have. They will know that their parents love them.

Honestly, I just want to know the dreams of my children. I want to support them in their efforts. I don't want them to ever think back to dream they used to have the way I do.