1 week until Christmas?!

Wow time flies! Ok, new job... love it. Single ... again I GIVE UP! Maybe this single thing is short term. He wants time to think about things. Yeah so whatever that means.
Happy Holidays!

Memories

Some memories we try to hold on to forever, and some we try so hard to forget. Time never stands still, one day you wake up and your little brother is 13. I remember the day he was born, I was in 5th grade and my grandma came to pick me up from school early. I said, "Well it's about time!" as I ran out of the class room. Went down to the hospital and met my baby brother. He didn't have a name for 3 days, he was called Baby Smith. I stayed with my cousin that night and got to go trick-or-treating for the first time in a neighborhood. We had always just gone to the houses where we knew people, but this year I was in Dothan and went up and down tons of streets with Anna. We would make trips back to the car empty our bags into a big black trash bag and go out again. I had candy for what seemed like years.
Thirteen years later, my brother is a teenager. My grandmother passed away 7 years ago. My little cousin is a wife and mother. My parents are divorced, and I am haunted by memories. Memories of the last 12 months. Memories of feeling like the most loved and special girl in the world. Promises of forever, of land and a house, of kids, and of loving future in-laws. Promises from a certain man who, in my eyes, hung the moon.
Time heals all wounds, so they say. I guess I am still waiting for this scar to fade away. Trying so hard to remember the bad things. Trying so hard to enjoy the life I have now. Trying to forget all those then wonderful, now horrible memories.

October 12! When did September end?

Ok very very brief recap of the last month:
Interview with Peterbuilt Trucking company for a warranty/customer service position
Interview with Girl Scouts for a public relations/ marketing position
Interview with Comala Credit Union for a Marketing position
... Wait... Still waiting... RING
Second interview with Comala Credit Union they hope to make a decision by next week!!
And now, I am cleaning out the second bedroom so Squirrel can move in Friday

Oh So True

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
"House" for instance, is feminine: "la casa."
"Pencil," however, is masculine: "el lapiz."

A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun.

Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that
"computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computadora"), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ("el computador"), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gottena better model.

The women won.

Heather is married!

Thursday morning I left for the beach. Heather wanted a small beach wedding; well heather really only wanted family at her wedding, but Cade wanted a slightly bigger gathering. Several of us arrived Thursday afternoon in time to chill on the beach. It was a great start to the weekend.
A strange man we had been watching kayak back and forth across the ocean warned us of jelly fish. We remembered to watch out for them for a long time considering our drinking habits over the previous hours. It was bound to happen though and I was the first. I was swimming backwards to join the rest of the group after going in for another drink when it hit me. The stupid #^*#(Q #(^*&* ()&^% wrapped around my back. I don't just mean a small portion of my back, it stung me from on top of my right shoulder, wrapped around my mid section hitting mainly the right side, and possibly the most painful area, the damn thing got both but cheeks and all the way down to the back of my knee.
About the same time I was making it out of the water, Doug starts cursing from 20 yards out. Now the difference between Doug and me was I at least knew what the heck had stung me. Doug bless his heart (cause in the south as long as you add bless your heart you can say any thing you want about someone) had never seen a jelly fish before and was clueless about what was on him. He reached in the water, picked it up and slung it as hard as he could. Here is the problem with picking up a jelly fish, not only does it sting you where it originally touched, but it is going to wrap around your arm. Doug makes it out of the water and we are both walking around the beach trying to stop thinking about this stinging pain shooting around our bodies.
Eventually we can't take it any more and head up to the pool in the hopes that chlorine will make it better. Alas the wedding planner caught us before we could get into the pool. Before we knew it there was apple cider vinegar being poured over our stinging red bodies and then seasoned meat tenderizer. Both vinegar and meat tenderizer neutralize the stinging units called nematocysts. Fortunately for us there was no plain vinegar or tenderizer available, so we smelled like the best steak you could ever hope to put in your mouth for about an hour.
Are you ready for my true display of intelligence? When the stinging subsided, or the alcohol started taking over, I decided we needed to swim some more. Yes you heard right we got back into the ocean after being stung very badly by the jelly fish only an hour before. Smart, you bet!

Still kicking

I quit my job last week. Refer back to the last post, I was having doubts about my sales ability. I tried my best, but at the end of the day I had to concede that I am not a sales person. Currently I am looking for a job that has more education and less numbers. I would love to find a job that would still allow me to travel a limited area. Then again being at an office wouldn't be half bad this winter.
I am young, I have been overly ambitious, and it is time for me to start acting my age. That is 23 as of last Thursday, not 43 as I have been acting. I agree to stay up past 10 on a regular basis, to quit living for the next 10 years, and to enjoy the here and now.

What am I doing?

I am coming to the conclusion that I suck at my job. My success is based solely on the number of admissions I obtain on an average weekly basis. I should have 2-3 by this my 6th month. Unfortunately I average 1.4 and that is unacceptable. I also made a judgment call earlier in the week that got me a written warning from my boss. As a marketer for hospice, I generally am allowed to set my hours. Granted most days are typical 8-5, but some days it is 9-3 and other days it is 8am-9pm. On said day I had a personal dr's appointment that I assumed would last 1 hour. It lasted 2 and the boss called while I was in there. Next day, I receive a call asking me to be in the office at 4 to meet with the boss. When I get there "on time" like I am 99% of the time, I wait about 30 mins then the meeting starts. Long and short of it is I am not performing as expected, weekly meetings with the boss, and weekly rides to learn from another rep. What set me over the edge was my boss saying he had lost all trust in me.
Never have I done anything that I would think should lead to a lack of trust. My accounts are seen. I don't falsify documents or call logs. Seeing 8 accounts doesn't always take 8 hours. My accounts are close together, the majority of them are small offices that I can go right back and speak to the Dr. at.
At the end of the day. I think I am doing what I should be. I am asking the right questions to the right people, but not getting the same response as the other two marketers. WHY? Why do I suck at a job that I am passionate about. I love hospice. I feel fulfilled when patients are admitted and we can help them through this difficult time. I can't figure it out.

It's Friday! It's Friday! It's finally Friday! Oh thank God I made it through this week!

Just keep swimming. . .

I must apologize for my lack of posts recently. Stuff is happening, but nothing interesting enough to put in here. For those of you who know me personally, you know I occasionally have to battle my fibromyalgia. This is shaping up to be a very stressful week. Unfortunately stress directly corresponds to my fatigue level so I am very lethargic right now. Please keep me in your prayers through this trying time.
I just want to be normal sometimes and it makes me very angry that I am not. I sometimes beat myself up and think that I should be used to this by now, but why should I be used to it. I have been in pain for the last 7 years. Not only physical pain, but emotional as well. I mean really do I have to keep smiling all this time.
Then on the flip side I deal with hospice patients every day. I look at them and see that I could be much worse off. I guess we all have things that we deal with.
Sorry didn't mean for this to be a gripe session.

My manicure

Yesterday I got a manicure. I always manage to confuse the manicurist; I don't like to have polish on my nails. The conversation always goes something like this:

Manicurist: What you need?

Me: Basic manicure. No polish.

Manicurist: You pick color. Come here.

Me: No polish (walk over to chair).

Manicurist: What color?

Me: No polish. Just manicure.

Manicurist: Ok clear?

Me: No this is fine. No polish.

Manicurist: (very confused) ok 10 dollar.

When will it be over

"I see the beauty of God's world
when I look into your eyes...
I feel the love H gave me
when you smile at me...
I know the gift He blessed me with
when I hold you in my arms.
Happy Valentine's Day
With All My Love"

The relationship ended less than 1 month later. I still can't tell you why. I try to take some of the responsibility, but I don't know what for. Did I assume to much when he said he loved me? No. I only expected what I was also willing to give, everything I had or ever hoped to have.
Right now I want nothing more than to be by his side helping him get through all of his life's current trials. I want to be in his arms at night and hear him tell me he loves me. I want to spend Friday night having a quiet dinner at home and holding each other on the couch. I want to lay in bed at night and talk about our days. I want him to say I love you, I am about to say my prayers, see you in the morning.
My favorite day was Sunday because we would eat breakfast and get ready for church. We ate dinner with his parents on Sunday nights. He would go outside with his dad to the shop. His mom and I would clean the kitchen and talk about random things.
One day he was on the phone with the lady who owned the land we wanted to build on. His dad came inside and sat down at the table with me. He told me how happy he was that I was in his son's life. His dad was a quiet reserved man who kept his thoughts to himself. That day he welcomed me to the family.
He was so strong spiritually. I know that he prayed about us everyday. We would pray about things over dinner. Blessing the food turned into 10 minutes of prayer together. We would pray together before a big day, sometimes him for me other times me for him.
I know that he loved me, but I don't know what changed. The worst part is I have no idea when it changed. One day he was sitting on the dining room table smiling so big. He said he had figured out how he was going to propose to me. A few weeks later he told me he didn't feel anything when I left, if anything he felt relieved.
I don't know what was missing. I guess one day I will find out what it is that he said was missing. I hated being compared to his ex, but in the end I guess I was. He said there was just something missing that he had with her. I think about the love I have for him. I wasn't missing anything, but maybe that is because I have never experienced what he was missing.
His kiss was perfect. He held me tight when we hugged. Best of all he knew how much I loved when he kissed me on the forehead. I felt so safe in his arms.
I miss him in life's little things: sitting beside him in the truck, cleaning up the kitchen together after dinner, walking around the land and watching his face light up when he showed me how he envisioned the house.
One day God will bring me to a point where I know why this happened. I hope it is soon.

Dreams

When I was younger I wanted to be a fashion model. It was my dream to walk down a New York runway, cameras flashing all around me and headlines describing the new top model. I wanted to study fashion and design. I wanted to make clothes that women could live in. Fashionable, washable and most importantly I wanted to design clothes that made women feel beautiful. I lost that dream along with over $800 in the summer of 2002, but I did get some nice pictures.

Last night a friend asked me about my current dream. For those of you who don't know, here it is. I want to marry a caring, supportive, Christian man. After a few years of marriage, I want to start a family. I want to stay at home with my children, keep a nice clean house and volunteer in the community. Is it really such a crazy dream?

He wanted to know what I would do if my prince charming doesn't make enough money to support me staying at home with children. I don't think having enough money is really the question. Managing what you have and living within your income is the bottom line. He said think about all the stuff you won't have. My point is on all the memories that my children will have. They will know that their parents love them.

Honestly, I just want to know the dreams of my children. I want to support them in their efforts. I don't want them to ever think back to dream they used to have the way I do.

Today there was a death that touched so many people. I met her several weeks ago. She was 28 years old, and for the last two years she fought a losing battle with breast cancer. She told the nurse one day that she had never been married or had children. Then she shrugged her shoulders and simply said "oh well." She was an ordained minister, and her dream was to be a missionary in Africa. She had two older sisters who now know they are at high risk for this devastating disease. Her mother tried so hard to be strong. She didn't want to cry in front of her daughter. The day the DNR was signed we all breathed a sigh of relief. That piece of paper allowed everyone to let her go in peace. This morning her battle ended.

Working in hospice is challenging sometimes. It is my job to get referrals and admit patients into our hospice. Sometimes I joke and say I hunt for dying people. The truth is we are all going to die one day. I make jokes to keep my sanity, everyone in this industry does. I pray to God that what the nurses, aides, social workers, chaplains, volunteers, and at the end the bereavement coordinator does makes a positive impact on the families that we are in contact with. You don't get do overs in this job. Death is final.

May weddings

The last weekend of May was very exciting! Brannon sent pictures of Robin's wedding and Becca's wedding. Seriously though two weddings in one day was not nice at all. Brannon and I spent like 5 hours in the car that day.

Melanie, Brannon & Cathy

Cathy & Brannon

Robin & John

Cathy & Melanie

Melanie & Becca

Who's on my shoulder

Think for a moment about Tom & Jerry... Remember the little angel and devil that would sit on their shoulders from time to time. Last week I am certain there was a devil sitting on my shoulder. Every day something happened that was out of the ordinary and very frustrating. I felt under attack with every decision I made. Praise God I made it through with only a few bad decisions and losing my temper on the real estate agent only once. Please say a prayer that the angel will take it's place on my shoulder this week.
In other news, my foot is better. I signed a contract on a new house. My little brother spent a week with me, and we had a lot of fun. I have amazing friends! Finally, I think I own the neediest cat in the world. Her fur has grown back without many gaps from her recent haircut.

Funny stuff

Ok I think I can laugh about this misfortune now. Wednesday I was working and was at an Assisted Living Facility. The Activities Director was pulling a resident backwards up a ramp leading into the building. About the time they reached the door the plastic grips came off the handles of the wheelchair. The resident zoomed down the ramp headed straight for me. I had no time to move and was concerned with the safety of the resident. I reached out to try to stop the chair and in the process my foot was run over. Ok it was much funnier if you were there.

Long story short, I had to file a workman's comp claim for being run over by a wheelchair. Now I have to be in the office doing stupid office work.

God works in mysterious ways

There is quite a bit to catch up on. Yes it has been a month since the last time my heart was broken. I however, am doing surprisingly well. I picked myself up and kept right on going. Several things have happened to help me see this for the blessing it is.
The first was the message at church the Sunday night after we broke up. It was from Genesis 41:51,52 Jacobs sons were born and named. The first he named Manasseh and said "It is because God has made me forget all my trouble and all my father's house." As I thought about this verse, I realized that as relationships have come and gone I have forgotten the pain of the previous breakup. The second son he named Ephraim and said "It is because God has made me fruitful in the land of my suffering. This is so true! God has always brought me to even greater things than I could ask for. I fully trust that God will heal my broken heart and bless me more abundantly than I can even imagine.
The second reason for me dealing with this so well is due to an e-mail from a wonderful professor. She pointed out how I was always the one making sacrifices. She also helped me to see that his love had all these conditions put on it. I do have health issues and I need and deserve someone who can love me when I am active and when I am hurting. I deserve someone who can take responsibility for his feelings without blaming me for him feeling a certain way.
The best thing that has happened is finding a loving wonderful church. The people there have taken me in their arms and loved me! One lady particularly, Vita she has been wonderful. The church is full of so many people who have blessed my life in the month I have been going there.
Yes after one month i am ok. I have great friends, a loving family, and a fantastic church!

This month has been hectic. I moved the last weekend of Feb. I love my new job. I am happy to be back in Montgomery. I went to Dallas last week for sales training. Josh broke up with me last night. Yep it has been a crazy month and I am ready for April.

Things I stole from Cathy

1. Your Porn Star Name (name of first pet + street you live on): Ramboo Lee
2. Your Movie Star Name (Grandad's/Grandma's first name + favorite snack): Mildred Gardetto
3. Your Fashion Designer Name (first thing you see on your left + favorite restaurant name): Cup McDonalds
4. Your Fly Girl/Guy Name (1st initial + 1st 3 letters of your last name): M Smi
5. Your Detective Name (high school mascot + high school name): Rebels George W Long
6. Your Soap Opera Name (middle name + city where you were born): Melanie Skipperville
7. Your Opposite Sex Name (name of sibling/parent [opposite sex] + cell phone company you use): Michael Verizon
8. Your Star Wars Name (1st 3 letters of your last name + last 3 letters of mother's maiden name): Smi Yes

Ok so mine isn't nearly as good as Cathy's. This next thing is fun though. http://kevan.org/johari?name=Melaniens
I need to pack now or I will be in TROUBLE in the morning.

Moving...

Good news: Found a place to live
Bad news: packing... again

Moving has got to be like the worst thing in the world for me. To pack up all of my things and the animals and myself and move somewhere else and get settled is simply no fun. This move I don't even have my family to help. Thank God for Josh otherwise I would be in a mess. I have the best boyfriend in the world. All of my shortcomings seem to be his strongest qualities. Even if I do drive him crazy from my lack of planning and my overall calm appearance. Just remember, appearance isn't always an accurate representation of what is going on inside a person's mind. Calm is definitely not in my mind.

Feb 25th deadline

So, I showed my house to this nice couple today and they called back a few hours later. That is right they liked the house (and why wouldn't they I did pick it out) so they move in Feb 25th. I don't have much time to get out and find another place. Yikes I might be homeless!

3 hour commute

Someone remind me, did I hate driving last year. The place where I work keeps office hours form 8-7 so people work different shifts. Now that is all fine and dandy except the people I ride with in the morning all come in at 8 and the people I ride with in the afternoon com in around 9. That means I am there from 7:50-5:40 preceded and followed by a 90min commute.

The 24 hour breakdown is like this
5:00 am wake up and get dressed
6:30 am leave for work
8:00 am arrive at work
5:30 pm leave work have dinner with josh
6:30 pm start driving home
8:00 pm arrive home feed dogs and cat, look at them say I am sorry babies we will move soon
9:00 pm go to sleep then repeat process

I hope I can rent or sell my house soon. Other than the long hours everything is going well!

New Job

My first day was great! I am doing pretty much the same job for a different company in Montgomery. Today I start my ride-a-longs, I will go with a nurse and a social worker today. There is someone coming to look at the house this weekend :-D happy days!

The holidays were great for me. I got to spend just enough time with the family to appreciate them, but not enough time to get annoyed with them. I got some good gifts and ate some good food. I got to spend a lot of time with Josh (almost four whole days) over the New Year's weekend. Considering that we usually see each other from late Friday night to early Sunday afternoon, Friday – Monday was a welcome change.

Tomorrow will be the first Monday in 2 weeks of working. I am kind of excited about it, because the four day weeks have been killers. It seems that I never catch up from missing Monday. Don't get me wrong I love paid days off but goodness will I ever catch up.

This weekend Josh and I rented Hitch. It was nice to watch something that didn't have static. For those of you who don't know, I only have rabbit ears on my TV so my selection is limited to ABC, NBC, CBS, Fox, and GPB (PBS) oh and if the wind is blowing right UPN from Opelika. Anyways I think I would like to spend the $14.99 to get the all you can rent movies per month from Movie Gallery. I think I will start in the gallery section and rent all movies a-z.

I hope I can start to update more often now. I have a nice clean house and I will be at home next weekend as well. It is hard to stay focused and upbeat when my weekends are spent in a car. I hope everyone is doing well. Phone calls and visits are encouraged; I do miss my friends from the gump. Have a good week.